Letter from President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Santa Clause

Uncategorized

dictatorchristmasDear Symbol of Western Hedonism,

I write to you, the jolly fat man who delivers presents to the infidels, to address your bias toward our oppressors. The peoples of my country have been good boys and girls, do we not have as much right to ‘Christmas’ presents as the imperialist West? Are our stockings not to be filled? Are not all chimneys the same? I write in the hopes that you will deliver to the people of Iran the gifts rightfully owed and that this imbalance will be rectified starting with me. So Mr. Clause I send to you this list of what I want for ‘Christmas’.

25 rods of enriched uranium.
Death to Israel
Death to America
More Oil
Nintendo Wii U

I have been a very good boy and this list is very modest. So Santa if you are not a puppet of the Jews and America, you will deliver everything I have asked. If I awake ‘Christmas’ morning and run downstairs in my footed pajamas only to find that you have failed, then I will add the North Pole to the list of places in which Allah will rein down destruction and make the blood of the elves flow through the streets.

P.S. Mrs. Ahmadinejad would like a new burka.

Love,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

I’m Sorry but that Hokey Pokey Crap’s Got to Go.

Music, Opinion, Uncategorized

2005_aYesterday my teacher, Mrs. Feldman, started singing Hokey Pokey  in class. Stick your right leg in… blah blah blah. I was all like “why don’t you just throw in some Mary had a Little Lamb and completely lame out music time”. She tells me to sit down. So I stand up and ask the class, “Do you want to Rock? I can’t hear you… I said do you want to Rock?!” Of course they do.

See Mrs. Feldman doesn’t get it. I’m all about the She’ll be Coming Around the Mountain you know what I’m saying? Real Rock. Not this Hokey Pokey crap. If I ran music time, I’d unleash some Row Row Row Your Boat.  I’d even bring a hot dish of Pop Go Tha Weezel to the Rock table. Oh hell yea!

Hokey Pokey? … lady come on! I can’t let this happen, so I whip out my Pop Go Tha Weezel, and she gets mad. My teacher’s all like “sit down or go to time out”, and I’m like “don’t try to hold down the power of Rock with your rules lady”. And she’s all like “okay no cookies during snack for you” and I’m like “I don’t need your cookies.” So then she puts me in timeout for 5 minutes. But I didn’t cry. That’s right. I’m a bad boy. I saw Jenny checking me out, and I threw her the Rock sign while I was Bad Boyin’ it doing my time. She knows I’m all about the Rock.

So when I finished, the first thing I did was jump on the teacher’s desk and fire up the greatest Rock classic of all time Old McDonald. Hell yea. Moo moo here, y’all, moo moo there. I swung my hips and the chicks went wild. I totally Rocked the horse and pig. Even my teacher was like Damn! He Rocks the McDonald. Then I slowed things down for the ladies with a little Twinkle Twinkle. Chics dig that. But you got to end big, so then I Rocked the close with This Old Man. He play two. Oh yea… He play nic nac on my shoe…

See my teacher just needs to know, when it comes to music time I bring the Rock like no other. Hokey Pokey is so pre pre-school man. When music time comes, I unleash the power of Rock and you suckas better back up and recognize.

By Sam Stillerman

Sam Stillerman is a pre-schooler at Happy Playtime Dayschool. He likes to chill out and listen to some This Old Man and drink juice boxes with his buddies. He wants to give a big shoutout to all the lovely ladies in Mrs. Davidson’s class. Keep it rocking Hapi Playz! Yea, you know what’s up.

This Satirical Piece is Extremely Funny and Let Me Explain Why

Uncategorized

Favim.com-13264It has been brought to my attention that some readers think the occasional humor I produce is sub-par and offensive. In fact, some of you may be reading this piece right now thinking, ‘gosh this isn’t funny at all’ and ‘I believe that I am offended’. Yes, I can understand why you might think that. So I will now explain why what you’re reading (and therefore everything I write) is extremely funny, and I’ll do it in a way that even the common layperson may understand:

f:X→Y [(Z2/(words(μ)×(penis joke/chauvinism) + x(fart)∞] /ψ(misplelings)

This is my patent-pending Charles Bunyion Humor Index Equation™.

As you can plainly see, if you take this simple equation and apply it to the piece that you are currently reading, even a commoner with a sixth-grade education will realize that mathematically this is a cleverly worded wonderfully humorous insightful observation on daily life. If you don’t think that it is, then more than likely you forgot to carry the two. That’s a common mistake. People also often forget to move the decimal place past the penis joke. If you fail to do that then yes, this is poorly written crap. And if you don’t divide Z2 by x(fart) then this piece is actually quite offensive racially.

So when reading satire, it’s important to perform proper math. I would suggest a calculator just to insure that you’re not offended and that you fully enjoy the hilarity and wisdom that the Simpleton Review provides to you each and every week.

If you are bored or offended by my writings due to poor math skills, I would suggest a course at Mathnasium or my new book, “A Humorless look at Humor.” I think you’ll find it well worth the $199.99, and a delightful read explaining why absolutely everything that I write is handcrafted, organically grown, and mathematically calculated to be extremely nasal milk-spewing funny every week no matter what. That’s my guarantee to you. Because, as you’ve just learned, consistently creating humorous writing is merely an exercise in math… mixed with the occasional bong hit.

Written by Charles Bunyion

Charles Bunyion is a business analyst who plans, conducts, and directs the analysis of business problems to be solved with automated systems and applications and partners with users to identify, evaluate, and develop systems and procedures which are cost effective and meet user requirements and on his off days writes satire.