Don’t give Killer no mind. He wouldn’t hurt a flea. That growlin’ means he likes you. So if your little kid wants to pet him, no problem. Just saddle on up there and pull on his ears. He likes that. He wouldn’t hurt nobody, unless you’re a opossum. He drug a half-eaten one that he killed onto my doorstep last week. I couldn’t leave my house for a whole day because he thought I was gonna take it from him. Silly dog. House rules are: if you kill it, you keep it. Unless it’s our other dog Sparkles. My daughter’s still mad about that. Did you know a pit bull can eat a poodle whole? Me either.
Anyway, Killer loves kids. He played with a kid on our street so much that the kid’s mom told me he bled out of the bites to over 70% of his body. They played this game where the kid would scream and pretend to try and get away and Killer would jump on him and give him little love nibbles. They played a long time like that. I had so much fun just watching and laughing that I pulled up a chair and drank some beer. Good times.
Did I mention Killer’s got guard dog training? I taught him to attack any person that ain’t supposed to come in my yard. When he tries to get me, I beat him with the garden hose. That’s German training you know. It’s called Shoutshound or something. All I know is if I say the word Freezernipple, he’ll rip off your testicles and bring them to me, but only if I say freezernip… oops. He almost heard that one. Yea, he’s a killing machine, but he’s also just a silly ol’ love hound.
Now that biting he’s doing around your kid’s neck, that’s the way he says hello. See how he’s shaking her, that’s like shaking hands. Okay that’s probably not good what he’s doing now. I’d apply pressure to that wound. Wow, he got both of you at the same time. What a dog, I tell you. Nothing like a trained pit bull. Let me go get my hose to get him off you two. Silly Killer, you ain’t gonna have no friends if you keep making them bleed.
Written by Stan Howard
Stan Howard teaches PE at a Braintree Elementary, breeds pit bulls and teaches dog training on the side in his backyard when he’s not writing poems about America.