Killer Here’s Just a Silly Ol’ Love Hound.

Human Interest

Don’t give Killer no mind. He wouldn’t hurt a flea. That growlin’ means he likes you. So if your little kid wants to pet him, no problem. Just saddle on up there and pull on his ears. He likes that. He wouldn’t hurt nobody, unless you’re a opossum. He drug a half-eaten one that he killed onto my doorstep last week. I couldn’t leave my house for a whole day because he thought I was gonna take it from him. Silly dog. House rules are: if you kill it, you keep it. Unless it’s our other dog Sparkles. My daughter’s still mad about that. Did you know a pit bull can eat a poodle whole? Me either.

Anyway, Killer loves kids. He played with a kid on our street so much that the kid’s mom told me he bled out of the bites to over 70% of his body. They played this game where the kid would scream and pretend to try and get away and Killer would jump on him and give him little love nibbles. They played a long time like that. I had so much fun just watching and laughing that I pulled up a chair and drank some beer. Good times.

Did I mention Killer’s got guard dog training? I taught him to attack any person that ain’t supposed to come in my yard. When he tries to get me, I beat him with the garden hose. That’s German training you know. It’s called Shoutshound or something. All I know is if I say the word Freezernipple, he’ll rip off your testicles and bring them to me, but only if I say freezernip… oops. He almost heard that one. Yea, he’s a killing machine, but he’s also just a silly ol’ love hound.

Now that biting he’s doing around your kid’s neck, that’s the way he says hello. See how he’s shaking her, that’s like shaking hands. Okay that’s probably not good what he’s doing now. I’d apply pressure to that wound. Wow, he got both of you at the same time. What a dog, I tell you. Nothing like a trained pit bull. Let me go get my hose to get him off you two. Silly Killer, you ain’t gonna have no friends if you keep making them bleed.

Written by Stan Howard

Stan Howard teaches PE at a Braintree Elementary, breeds pit bulls and teaches dog training on the side in his backyard when he’s not writing poems about America.

Amish Girls Reach Across Cultural Divide

Human Interest

Susan Miller and Laura Brown have broken down the barriers of their radically different lives to show what can happen if people look beyond cultural and religious differences. Susan who is Amish from Western Pennsylvania has formed an unlikely friendship with Laura, an Amish woman from Eastern Pennsylvania. Though these groups rarely meet because of the week-long 120 mile trek, they keep in contact through letters and carrier pidgeon.

“They don’t let their differences keep them apart,” says Abraham Miller, Susan’s father. “Susan likes to churn butter with a oak spoon, where as Laura churns butter with a cedar spatula. Laura uses hemp line to mend her skirts where Susan uses cotton fiber. “It’s crazy I tell you,” says Susan’s father Abraham. “We tolerate Laura’s alien ways, because it’s not one’s place to condemn a culture as foreign and sin-filled as hers. We leave that for God.”

Among other cultural differences, Susan rides a buggy to church where as Laura walks. You might be asking yourself, how do these girls find common ground?

“We try not to let the big differences get in the way. Because she’s so different, I learn more about myself. Though her usage of a butter churn her father made will condemn her to a fiery hell, I try not to let the stench of her sin get in the way of our friendship.”

“Susan fastens her cloths with buttons and her father wears one suspender not two. This unfortunately means she will become Satan fodder in the bowels of eternal hell,” says Laura, “but she makes me laugh and that’s what counts.”