Dear Symbol of Western Hedonism,
I write to you, the jolly fat man who delivers presents to the infidels, to address your bias toward our oppressors. The peoples of my country have been good boys and girls, do we not have as much right to ‘Christmas’ presents as the imperialist West? Are our stockings not to be filled? Are not all chimneys the same? I write in the hopes that you will deliver to the people of Iran the gifts rightfully owed and that this imbalance will be rectified starting with me. So Mr. Clause I send to you this list of what I want for ‘Christmas’.
25 rods of enriched uranium.
Death to Israel
Death to America
More Oil
Nintendo Wii U
I have been a very good boy and this list is very modest. So Santa if you are not a puppet of the Jews and America, you will deliver everything I have asked. If I awake ‘Christmas’ morning and run downstairs in my footed pajamas only to find that you have failed, then I will add the North Pole to the list of places in which Allah will rein down destruction and make the blood of the elves flow through the streets.
P.S. Mrs. Ahmadinejad would like a new burka.
Love,
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
The Simpleton Review 