What the Hell! By Harry Hanson

Opinion

What the hell is it with people and their talking? Have you ever noticed that? People moving their mouths telling you things, using words. It’s insanity. I can’t stand people that talk. Especially people that say things like, “Why are you in my house?” or “Excuse me, this is the women’s bathroom …” Excuse me? Excuse you! With your talkie talking breathing in my direction, saying things and doing stuff. What the hell! People are you all insane? All I want is for people to stop talking to me, don’t look at me and occasionally let me peek in their windows at night. I mean for the love of God! You people make me sick.

Harry Hanson is a model train enthusiast and member of the Branchville City Council. He volunteers his time at retirement homes and shares his love of bagpipes and beat poetry.

How to Make a Million Dollars, The Chester Hatfield Way!

Advertisement

Are bills getting you down? Hate your job? Tired of eating Ramen noodles for breakfast? Well I’ve got some great news for you. I know a way to make tons of cash, fast and easy. I’m living proof. In fact, I took a shower today and dried myself off with a pile of $1000 bills. Why? Because I’m crazy… crazy with money!

What if I were to tell you that you can make a million dollars? It’s true… and all you have to do is tell people that you know how to make a million dollars… You’re looking unconvinced. But trust me. It’s easy. Buy my book and DVD for $179.99, and learn my method and you’ll be sitting back on an undisclosed beach watching the money pour right in.

Why should you buy my DVD and book for the low, low price of $179.99? Because in it is a secret that no one wants you to know. Only I possess it, and I want to give it to you… for the low, low price of $179.99. All you need is the courage to take charge of your life and convince others that you know a secret way to make a million dollars.

You might be thinking, gee Chester, I don’t know a secret way to make a million dollars. That’s the beauty of my plan; you don’t have to know how to make a million dollars to make a million dollars!

This is what you’ll get for your money:
1. An instructional book to sell as your own, “How to Make A Million Dollars The _______ _______ Way!”
2. A pre-written ad for newspapers describing what you’re offering. With exciting phrases like, “Are bills getting you down?”, “Crazy with Money!” and “This is what you’ll get for your money:”
3. An instructional video that teaches you where to find agreeable mindless models that will act like they love your product.
4. Tips on which maniacal greasy-hair look works best with what desperate gullible demographic.
5. Steps on how to look into the camera and act like your just about to achieve orgasm, yet still point to a yacht that you don’t even own!

I’m telling you folks, you’re missing out if you don’t act now. For just $179.99 you can change your life. Come on! Start Making Money the Chester Hatfield Way!

Tofu-B-Que Sandwich with a Fescue Salad

Food/Wine

Hungry for some pulled-pork but don’t want to offend Gaia by slaughtering an innocent animal? Then try a wonderful Tofu-B-Que sandwich.

Take a ½ pound of tofu, a cup of spelt and dorum flour mix, a teaspoon of milk thistle and  ¼ cup of micro-algae (a great source of natural astaxanthin). Stir gently in a bowl, but remember to apologize to the food for any crushing or mixing that occurs.

To cook, meditate over it 10 to 15 minutes with your third chakra Malachite stone, or microwave 1 to 2 minutes on high. When done, sandwich between two pieces of gluten-free recycled newspaper.

For the Fescue salad, pull two handfuls of grass from your backyard. Fescue is preferred but Kentucky Bluegrass works just as well. Sprinkle with salt water and fish oil, which is of course chocked full of yummy omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids. Simple and Delish!

Next week we’ll talk about white willow bark. Is it better to snort or to shoot? Also we’ll talk to our friends the tomatoes, and ask them… why do you cry?

By Harvest Songlove

Harvest owns the ‘Gaia One-Love Sunshine Co-Op’ and an organic radish farm ‘Radish’n Out Some Love’  in Western North Carolina. He dabbles in crystal mediation and is head alderperson for the local Wiccan book club.

Tips on Learning to Play the Cat

Advice, Cultural, Music

Nothing makes an evening more enjoyable than sitting around playing the Cat. Whether with a group of friends or on stage with a band, few instruments are blessed with the unique sound like that of a well-played Cat. Here are some pointers to get you on your way to playing the Cat.

1. It’s important to have good Cat-playing form. The traditional method is the “Stomp-and-Grab” method. Grab head, lift up while pinning body to ground with your left foot. Arc arm. Get a solid grip with your left hand and remember to breath.

2. With your right arm, squeeze your Cat. Did you notice the sound? Congratulations. That’s the first step toward being an accomplished Cat player.

3. Play around first. Squeeze your Cat in different areas and explore the tonal qualities of your new instrument. Once you feel comfortable try a simple song like “Mary had a little Lamb”.

4. Remember playing a Cat won’t come easily at first. So to become a good player you must do three things: Practice, practice and wear gloves.

5. If you know of friends who play the Cat, try “jamming” with them. It’s a fun way to learn.

Remember, you’re not going to be “rocking out” at first. Playing a Cat is difficult but with practice and commitment you’ll be able to squeeze sounds out of your Cat that you never knew existed.

Written by Bob Howdin

Bob is the owner of ‘Cats and Sundries’ a small coffee shop and animal rescue clinic on the corner of Main and Hemlock.  Look for his new book ‘Meow and Stomp – History of Cat Playing in the Appalachians’.

Amish Girls Reach Across Cultural Divide

Human Interest

Susan Miller and Laura Brown have broken down the barriers of their radically different lives to show what can happen if people look beyond cultural and religious differences. Susan who is Amish from Western Pennsylvania has formed an unlikely friendship with Laura, an Amish woman from Eastern Pennsylvania. Though these groups rarely meet because of the week-long 120 mile trek, they keep in contact through letters and carrier pidgeon.

“They don’t let their differences keep them apart,” says Abraham Miller, Susan’s father. “Susan likes to churn butter with a oak spoon, where as Laura churns butter with a cedar spatula. Laura uses hemp line to mend her skirts where Susan uses cotton fiber. “It’s crazy I tell you,” says Susan’s father Abraham. “We tolerate Laura’s alien ways, because it’s not one’s place to condemn a culture as foreign and sin-filled as hers. We leave that for God.”

Among other cultural differences, Susan rides a buggy to church where as Laura walks. You might be asking yourself, how do these girls find common ground?

“We try not to let the big differences get in the way. Because she’s so different, I learn more about myself. Though her usage of a butter churn her father made will condemn her to a fiery hell, I try not to let the stench of her sin get in the way of our friendship.”

“Susan fastens her cloths with buttons and her father wears one suspender not two. This unfortunately means she will become Satan fodder in the bowels of eternal hell,” says Laura, “but she makes me laugh and that’s what counts.”